Getting Ready For a Life Changing Event

I went to the surgeon on January 4th to finally schedule my surgery.  At that point, I had two other potential health issues and had been waiting to deal with this one since October.  I had been testing for it since September.  Four months and a lot of doctor's visits and tests had passed by the time that I was eligible for FMLA and able to schedule the solution to one of my problems.  At last we were moving past the detection phase of my issues.  It seemed like forever.  Anyone who has ever been through something like it will understand exactly what I mean.

The surgeon gave me two dates.  January 9th, which was only a few days away.  January 23rd, which gave me a little time to get my life prepared for the consequences of major surgery.  My surgeon, I must note was going to be gone during the week in between those two dates.  He does work in Haiti once in a while, which is a wonderful thing.  That middle week was one of his mission trips to Haiti.  To tell the truth, it made me like the guy a little more.  Anyone who travels to another country to do charity medical work can't be all bad.

I chose January 23rd, because as a wife and mother I had to get my life ready for this event.  I'm the typical woman.  I'm a control freak and I do a lot of things around the house and manage the household.  I wanted to make things as easy as I could on my family for the time that I would be down and out.  My poor husband hadn't even paid the bills or anything for decades.  My son was just about to take his driving test for his license and had just started a new job that he needed a ride 11 miles one way to get to and from work.  I had to consider that someone would have to take my shifts at the group home where I worked, and that would be no easy feat since I worked awake overnights on the weekend.  There were a lot of factors.

The first thing I did was give my dates to my place of work.  I wanted to give them as much notice as I possibly could.  Now, this was based on the idea that I would be able to get back to work in four weeks.  That was what the doctor had said.  I had told him that I had to be able to move freely and lift 50 pounds to go back to work.  I was very hopeful at the idea of four weeks.  I had a lot to learn.

The next thing the I did was to get with my human resources at work and get the paperwork turned in for my FMLA and my short term disability.  I had to have the insurance in order to pay for the surgery and subsequent medical treatment.  There would be visits, follow ups, physical therapy, and eventually that other biopsy.  My medical life was about to get complicated, busy and tedious.

After I took care of the business of preparing work, I let the family know what was going on and when.  I had a great support system with my friends, mother in law, aunt, and assorted other relatives all volunteering to help out.  My husband talked to his boss and told him that he would have to be out for a while to help me until I was able to handle a day alone in the house.  His boss is a great guy and told him to take the time that he needed and not to worry about work.  We should all have a boss like that.  Incidentally, that's what my boss has said the whole time too.  We both have great bosses.

The doctor said that I would have a drain coming out of my side for a week or so.  This said to me that I might need my husband for a bit while that was happening.  He told me to tell him when he needed me and he would be there.  It was the most wonderful thing that I could hear.  My husband has spent this entire time during all of my woes telling me how much he loves me and all that he cares about is me getting better.  He's been very supportive, and I don't know what it would have  been like for me otherwise.

Now, I have a sixteen year old son, a husband of almost 19 years, a 14 year old neurotic mutt that weighs about 40 pounds, and a 14 pound cat that likes to run in and out of the house 24 hours a day.  I wanted to make sure that they, and the household were prepared for the absence of my participation.  I wanted to make sure that there was food for pets, food for family, cleaning supplies, stamps to mail bills, toilet paper and many other things.  I didn't want them to have to run errands all the time on top of the work that they would be stuck with around the house.  They had work and school and driving tests to take care of.  They had no idea how hard it was to handle everything else.  At the time, my son had a girlfriend that lived 40 minutes away, and would need a ride to see her off and on.  There were a lot of factors that my family had never really had to worry about, because I normally took care of it.

Don't get me wrong.  I didn't think that my family couldn't handle it.  It's just that there is a lot of work.  There are days that I never quit moving just to keep the bare minimum done.  To have a whole other life of responsibilities fall in your lap along with a wife and mother that needs to be taken care of is a lot to ask of anyone.  My son would still need to make it through school and have the time to do his work and pass his classes.  My husband would at least need to sleep.  I was always the one that slept 4 to 5 hours a night and took care of everything while trying to lose weight, keep up on my side projects and work.  It took years of practice for me to be able to juggle it all, and I still wasn't that good at it.  I used to do a spring cleaning every winter while it was cold and dark outside, but I hadn't been able to do that sufficiently in a couple of years.  Home is a lot of work.

At any rate, I set about doing what I could.  I stocked up on things that I could like cleaning supplies and paper goods, toiletries and frozen foods.  I made some soup and other things that I could keep in the freezer for when I or the boys didn't want to cook.  I bought three dozen Chinese food containers on Amazon for $13 to freeze things in single servings to make it easier.  It was really great for soup.  I made sure that my son washed the dog right before surgery so that it wouldn't have to be done for a while.  I cleaned the house and washed all the linens.  I paid all the bills, some of them in advance. I made sure that there was animal food, cat littler, laundry detergent and so forth.

I also made plans for me.  I'm very active and would probably lose my mind if I hadn't planned something to keep me occupied.  I didn't know how long I would be truly incapacitated, so my first plan was to rewatch an old television series that I loved.  Northern Exposure had six seasons and I had purchased it years ago.  I had it and I decided that it would be part of my schedule to watch it all over again.  That should keep me busy along with the things that were recorded on the DVR and the things on TV.  I also scoped out some movies on Redbox that I intended to rent or have my husband rent and return for me.  I always have a stack of books around that I haven't gotten a chance to read, so I knew that I could read.  I do adult coloring, so when my arm felt a little better I could do that.  I was hoping that very soon I would be able to use my computer, because I do photography on several sites, I write blogs, and I wanted to take a shot at self publishing one of the 12 novels that I have written over the years. That would take editing.  So, activities were planned.

I talked to the ladies that I supported at work and tried to explain that I would be gone for a while, but I would be back.  I didn't know if they understood, but it made me feel better to try and explain it to them.  The people that I work with have been great through the whole thing.  they've pitched in to cover me and I don't even know if I will ever be able to make it all up to them.  I work with a great group of people and I really like them.  That has helped me get through everything.

I talked to my husband about how we would try to make sure that my son's life wasn't completely disrupted by my being down.  He was happy to help out with things.  He's been really wonderful about all of it. He promised that he would help run my son to his girlfriend's and that he would take him for his driving test.  He also said that he would help around the house so that my son didn't end up stuck with all of it.  That made me happy.

The one thing that happened during this time was that I fell over my dog and hurt my knee.  I couldn't catch a break this year.  I had it x-rayed because I was afraid that I had broken my knee cap.  It was just badly bruised and it still hurt really bad when I went in for surgery.  The day that I went to the Anesthesiologist, they asked me the abuse question of have I fallen in the last 90 days.  I had limped into the room so they said that they could tell that I was injured.  When I told them about the fall and the dog, we all had a good laugh.  I understand the questions, but sometimes I really hate them.

I didn't really have time to get ready emotionally.  I still wonder how anyone has time to dwell on these things.  To be honest, I've never really given much thought to the fact that I only have one boob left.  Life is busy.  I focus on so many other things, that I don't really have time to focus on that.  I wish I could say that it's been really hard, but the hard part of it only lasted a short time.  My husband has been so supportive that I've not really thought about it in a negative way too much.  Support is important, so if anyone reads this and has someone in their life that is going through it; take note of that.  Support is the key.  You can do anything with strong support.

So, everything was as prepared as I could make it.  The night before my surgery, my husband and I scheduled some time together, which I would have regretted had I passed on it.  Personal time is important, and it would be my last time to be whole physically.  I needed that, and he understood that.  Like I said, support is important.  My husband understood that I needed the time with my body whole that one last time.  By the time I went to sleep that night, I was as prepared as I could possibly be to go into surgery and come out with a piece of my body cut off.

I don't know that you can ever be truly prepared for a thing like a mastectomy.  I tried, and I did pretty good, but I still had phases that I went through emotionally.  I will talk frankly about them in the hopes that it will help someone.  Like I said, I did pretty good and so did my family.  We all knew that we had to go through this together.  There's a lot of love in my house, and we needed it all to get through this.

The next morning, I was going in for the toughest surgery of my life so far.

And...One More Issue

As we continue on, let everyone remember that no two cases of any disease or injury or condition are the same.

So, I had my period.  It had been fourteen months since that had happened.  That could only mean one thing.  More potential issues.  I had to call the OBGYN.  I didn't want to do that.  I thought that I was all done with that stuff.  I had been waiting for years to be through with menopause and get on with my life with no tampons or pads or Motrin or cramps or bloating.  Here it was again.  Just when you thought it was over.

The OBGYN got me right in and seemed very concerned that this had happened.  Most women that I know have told me that they've had their period once after that 12 month time when it was supposed to be over forever.  Most women that I know weren't nearly as happy about menopause as I was.  I couldn't have cared less.  I wasn't using my uterus for anything anymore.  Why would I care if it decided to retire?  But, apparently it wasn't retired.

So, I was due for a yearly pap anyway.  I went to the OBGYN to check it out.  I only had to wait a few days, and that gave me time for my period to end.  It did end.  It was a perfectly normal period for me.  I wasn't concerned about it at all.

So, I went to the doctor and I got to see a technician or physician's assistant or whatever.  The one thing that really irritates me about the OBGYN is that she has no time for her patients.  It's been a long time since I've seen the woman. I don't really even remember what she looks like.  She may not even exist for all I know.

Anyway, the technician asked me a bunch of questions and did my pap smear.  She asked me about time spans, symptoms and so forth.  I love describing my period to someone.  It's just not the thing that I like to tell stories about.  When I left after that appointment, it seemed to me that we had reached the end of it.  I was thrilled.  I didn't need any more crap on my plate.

As I was leaving , however, the lady at the desk said that they wanted me to come in for a vaginal ultrasound just to make sure that nothing was going on in there.  I told them that I was about to have a total mastectomy, so they scheduled it ahead a couple of months to give me time to have surgery.  I was grateful that I didn't have to do it right then.  I was getting a lot of anxiety built up.

After the appointment, I went on with my life.  It was less than two weeks until I could schedule my surgery and get on with things.  It was also almost Christmas time.  Lots of stuff was going on when the OBGYN called and said that the pap test looked okay, but not great.  They said that the doctor, whom I couldn't remember what she looked like had said that it was nothing major and that she would look at it again the next year.  That sounded like good news to me.  I wasn't going to worry about something that the doctor thought would wait a year.  Easy peasy there.  Back to worrying about getting Christmas ready and preparing for major surgery.

I'm not going to talk about Christmas in this entry.  I am going to continue on to right after New Years and what happened next with my uterus.

So, I went for my ultrasound for the kidney stones and went to see the Urologist and decided that it could all wait until summer so that I could have my surgery and not have too much going on.  I also had a dentist appointment right after New Year's and I had a cavity starting that wasn't bugging me, so they also decided to wait until summer to bother filling the tooth.  Two things out of the way so that I could concentrate.

Then some nurse over at the OBGYN calls me and tells me that I need to come in and have a biopsy on my uterus.  She didn't really explain why.  She said that I had to have it right away.  At this point, I had scheduled my surgery for January 23rd.  She said that I had to come for the biopsy on January 20th.  I felt bullied by her, but I agreed.

I then became worried.  I didn't want to have more than one kind of cancer.  I couldn't think about anything else.  This made my life difficult.  I'd had enough.  You know when you just reach the end of the rope so to speak?  That time when your mind just can't handle that one more thing?  That was where I was.  Kidney stones, cavity, breast cancer, and now potential uterine cancer.  It was too much.

I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't focus at work.  I couldn't think about anything else.  It was too much.  With the schedule of the events, I wouldn't even find out if I had uterine cancer before I went in to have the mastectomy to solve the breast cancer.  That's an extreme load of stuff.

Finally, a week before everything was to happen, I snapped.  I called the OBGYN and told them that I just couldn't go into surgery while waiting to see if I had more cancer.  I couldn't do it.  My mind wouldn't handle it.  I cancelled the biopsy and moved it a few months down the road.  One potential cancer at a time.  I didn't talk to that nasty nurse that day and of course the doctor wasn't available.  She never is.  I felt a little bit better after that.  It took one thing off my immediate psyche.

Now I know that it has to be one thing at a time.  Three is too many.  The mind has to work.  Don't let any nurse bully you either.  If you can't handle it, take it off the pile until you can.  If your mind explodes, you can't handle anything.  If you can't handle the one more straw, then put it on the back burner.  Save your mind.  You are no good without it.

My family supported me through all of my problems.  They supported me when I said that I couldn't handle that one more thing.  They supported me in every way.  I'm glad that I kept them in the loop and kept them involved.  I would have been lost without them.

Don't let anyone bully you.  Remember, each of the doctors are only covering their specialty.  They want to take care of their part.  They don't take into account all of your parts.  I hate to say it, but they don't care about the other parts.   You need to take care of all the parts.  It's all about you in times like that, and that's all there is to it.  If you have to, tell all of them to go take a hike for a while.  In my case, I looked up all the kinds of cancer that I might be facing on cancer.org.  I found out that lady part cancer moves very slowly, and my doctor hadn't seen any real signs of anything.  I asked the physician's assistant, since I can't ever talk to my doctor, if there was any reason other than my period for the biopsy.  There wasn't.  So, on the back burner it went.

As I continue with my story, you will hear about how I handled everything.  It was more than just DCIS.  There were so many potential things going on that my mind actually went numb at one point.  I handle things pretty well over all.  I know when there's too much.  I know how to prioritize.  I know myself.  That's important.  Make sure that you are self aware.  That's the key to life and definitely the key to handling bad times.  Make sure you have a support group.  I had my whole family and all of my friends.  I also had my boss and coworkers.  It helps.

I hope that this all helps someone.  I'll have more later.

The Next Issue

My time off had gone well.  I went back to work, finished my Christmas decorating and shopping.  I probably went a little overboard, because there was a voice in the back of my head that worried that this would be the last Christmas that I would get to spend with my family.  Unreasonable yes, but I couldn't help how I felt.  The severe depression that I battled periodically throughout my ordeal went in and out of my psyche like the magic bullet went in and out of JFK. I never knew when it would strike or what effect it would have on me at the time.

I wrapped presents and started to plan my holiday around my work schedule.  I wouldn't be home at midnight on New Year's Eve for the first time since my son was born.  I came up with a plan where we would celebrate with the Brits online at 7 pm so that I could get to work by 11.  I also planned out Christmas Eve so that we could still do all of our traditions and I could get to work by 11.  It was all going along fine, until one night at work on my overnight shift.

The pain wasn't that bad, but I knew it well.  When I found blood in my urine, I knew for sure.  I had a kidney stone.  One of the things that I am plagued with in life is that I manufacture calcium-oxalate kidney stones.  So, on top of cancer, I had that to deal with.  I got used to the pain a long time ago, so I was able to finish my shift.  I was asked to stay late that day, and I didn't want to do that with a kidney stone pass in progress, so I went home on time.

Unfortunately, I continued to bleed and have some stabbing pains throughout the day.  The bleeding got to be excessive in the evening, and I ended up in the emergency room.  I have to say one thing about my life.  With all of the annoying stupid problems that I have, it's a good thing that the hospital is right up the street.  I could walk there if I had to.  At least it's convenient.

So, a few x-rays and a catscan later found that I had kidney stones in both kidneys.  I was not excited.  I didn't make it to work that night and went home late and tried to get some sleep.  By the next morning I had passed the small kidney stone that was in my tube.  There was still one stone that was too big to pass.  Sooner or later, I would have to go to the operating room for a lithotripsy or to have them lasered and removed.  It would not be my first rodeo with any of that.  I had already had one lithotripsy in life and been in for laser removal three times.  Just more fun for someone who was suffering from the extreme stress of upcoming cancer surgery.

The surgeon had told me that I would not die of DCIS.  At least not my case of it.  It was completely contained and would be a simple fix.  That is, if you can call a total mastectomy simple.  What I was facing now, was just more medical procedures.  There would be more appointments, more tests, more trips to the operating room, and so on.  I was seeing dollar signs.  I was seeing lots of dollar signs.  I was seeing a scenario where I became a weak person because of all the procedures and surgeries.  I am not weak.  I've spent my whole life becoming the strongest woman I know.  I did not want all of my hard work building a self sufficient, strong willed, highly intelligent, capable, wise woman to go to waste.  I didn't want to fall apart.

The good news was that the idea of having kidney stones removed didn't scare me.  It was old hat and that didn't bother me.  I didn't have a clue how it would go along with the mastectomy, but I figured that we were about to find out.

I went to see my urologist a couple of days later.  I was still bleeding and he asked me if maybe I was menstruating.  I told him that I wasn't, and that it couldn't be because I was through menopause.  He didn't seem convinced, but he left it alone.  He talked to me about the stones, which, incidentally, the hospital emergency room staff had told me that one of the stones was not passable.  My doctor informed me that they were both unpassable. Lucky me.  He did say that with the new machine that they could lithotripsy both of them at the same time and resolve the problem.  I hoped that was true.  I hadn't had any luck the first time I went for a lithotripsy.

Lithotripsy is a high powered ultrasound that can aim at a target.  The theory is that when aimed at your kidney stone and zapped, it will shatter the stone.  Then you can let it wash out in urine naturally.  I have my doubts about it since it didn't work before, but he insisted that it was much better now. He scheduled me for some more imaging in order to pinpoint the stones, and I went on my way for the day.

The next day, the bleeding continued.  I called the doctor.  They said that they thought that it had to be vaginal.  They hadn't seen anything that would make them think that I would still have blood in my urine.  Upon investigation, they were right.  I was having my period.

As I continue, I will tell you all of the ridiculous things that happened in relation to and collusion with my cancer.  It was a wild roller coaster, and almost no one knows everything that went on.  I will tell the whole story.  I want everyone to know that like my story; all stories are unique.  The reason that I am telling every complication, every relationship issue, every work issue, trouble with pets, family, bills, insurance and so on is so that hopefully everyone can see just how personal each person's journey is.  There is no mold or formula or pattern or routine.  We each have our particular demons and challenges and frustrations and fears.  No two women are alike and no two women's cancer stories are alike.

I hope that this helps at least one person cope with their story and what they are going through.

Waiting For FMLA Part 1

I had a little over two months to wait before my surgery.  That's never a good thing when it's me.  I had way too much time to investigate my situation, read what other people had been through, and think in general.  Fortunately for me, it was Christmas season and that gave me something else to focus on.  I had a whole porch full of decorations to put out and a house full for inside too.  I had presents to buy, order, wrap and ship.  I had music to play and cooking to do.  Lots of things that kept me busy every year during the holidays.

This year, I did something that I'd never done before.  I took a little time off from work for vacation during December.  I'd always worked in retail and various other seasonal fields, so I'd never had the chance to do that.  This seemed like the perfect time to try it.  My husband joined me.  We didn't plan a big trip, because my son had to go to school.  We didn't want to take off and leave him for a week or anything, so I planned some things in the area for us to do.

The first thing that I planned was for us to go and watch a live taping of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.  My husband had always wanted to do that.  We are both huge fans.  I managed to get the tickets, so we went and spent the day in Manhattan.  We went to Rockefeller Center, saw the windows at Saks Fifth Avenue, went to the winter carnival at Bryant Park, and ate at Chef Pho's in Hell's Kitchen.  We also stopped off in Times Square while waiting to get into the show and I saw a taxi getting a ticket.  I'd never seen that before.  At any rate, Vice President Biden was on the show that night and it was a great time.

I also planned one overnight trip to Foxwoods Casino.  It was nice to go out and do something for the night and not have to worry about how much I drank while gambling at the bar.  It was a really good time, and I came out ahead for once.  It almost balanced out what my husband lost.  We did a lot of walking, tried some of Guy Fieri's new restaurant's food and looked in the outlet stores.  It was relaxing and gave me and my husband some time alone without things hanging over our heads.

The third thing that I did that week was to go with my son and two of the ladies that I help support and some coworkers to what we call Holiday Lights.  This is at Lake Compounce, our local amusement park.  They do the whole park up with Christmas lights, and have Santa Claus and music all over the park.  There are some rides open and a whole lot of great food.  My son and I try to do it every year.

What I accomplished that week was to relax a little.  I had the stress of the holidays, some extra stress from work situations, and of course the upcoming mastectomy on my mind.  I probably shouldn't have taken the time off, but I really needed it.  My mind works nonstop, 24 hours a day when life is normal.  I have trouble sleeping on a good night, much less when I'm all stressed out.  I felt bad about using the time, but I felt much better after relaxing a bit.

By the time my little vacation was over, I only had a month left until I could schedule my surgery.  I was feeling a little better, and was less nervous about the surgery.  I thought I had it all under control.  As I soon found out, and have found out many times over during this time, I did not have it all under control.  I come from a family full of people who can never have one simple problem.  There seems to have to be multiple problems.  In my next entry, you will learn about the complications that arose to make my journey so much more complicated.

Take my advice.  I know that with the crappy expensive insurance that we are all forced to have these days, the idea of spending money right before you know you have to have a major surgery seems totally irresponsible.  Think about this however.  You are about to go through a life changing experience.  You quite literally may not be the same person after.  Take some time.  Enjoy the life that you have.  It may never be the same again.  I'm not saying that it will get bad, but it will be different; even if just ever so slightly.  I'm glad I took the time.  I'm glad I spent that time with my husband and we got to enjoy each other before all of this happened.  It was a gift and it's a gift that everyone should take the time to enjoy.

I hope this helps someone struggling with difficulties and wondering what to do next while going through breast cancer.  If I help just one person, it's worth it.

So What Do You Tell Everyone?

I told the story so far about my medical drama.  I decided to leave the hard stuff for separate posts.  The one thing that doctors don't seem to take into account and neither do most forums, support groups and other accounts is what do you tell people?

I thought about it.  I've spent a lot of my life hearing about what empowers women.  At the same time I've seen that women don't want anyone to know when they have cancer.  The two opposing actions confused me.  I didn't want to upset the people that I care about.  It made sense to leave it on a low key.  The problem with that was that I am against guarding information and lying.  It was something to wrestle with.  How many people should I tell?  What circle should the information be given to?  How much should I divulge? All pertinent questions.

I did tell my mother and mother in law.  My husband and son automatically knew, because I tell them everything.  I would never keep anything from them.  My mom lives in Arizona and lost my dad a couple of years ago.  She still has a lot on her plate and she doesn't travel well, so she couldn't come and help me.  My mother in law lives in the same town as me and is always willing to help out.  She has her own cancer, so she has a little experience with this stuff.

My mother in law was concerned.  She wanted to help and she was very understanding.  My mom was devastated.  She cried on the phone and there was nothing I could do.  I felt helpless, as did she.  She wanted to be here for me, but she just can't travel anymore.  She lost a step child a couple of brothers and sister and my dad recently.  I was really worried that she was not up to this.

I did it.  I sucked it up and told the family.  It actually went better than I thought.  My mom up and sent me a bunch of money to help the minute she heard. She insisted, since it was all she was able to do to help.  I was grateful, and put it aside to help with the medical bills.

Once that was all settled, I felt that I should tell my coworkers.  I think that this was what started me on the road to being truly liberated about the whole thing.  I told one coworker and it was easy.  There was no pity and I didn't feel uncomfortable.  After that, I told them all.  They were empathetic and told me that they would help out while I went through the surgery and all.  It was good.  I told everyone that I would keep them updated as things moved along.

So, the work hurdle was fine.  My husband wasn't sure who to tell what, so he was keeping it fairly quiet at work.  He has the unique circumstance of working with people that we've both known for years.  It wasn't long before I told him to go ahead and share it with them.  By then, it was just another thing in my life that was happening.  It was becoming less and less of a big thing.

The next thing I did was to invite a bunch of my girlfriends over and tell them what was going on.  I made some lasagna and bought some good brownies and we all got together to eat and chatter.  I hadn't gotten together with my friends for ages anyway and it was high time. I wished that it could have been under different circumstances, but I liked the visit.  I spent the whole day with the girls going in and out of the house. I didn't put a time on the gathering.  Everyone had work and kids to deal with, so they stopped by when they could and left when they had to.  We laughed and listened to music and ate. 

It was a great day for me.  I told everyone what was happening, and they were very supportive.  After that, we went on to overeating and gossip.  It was actually a lot of fun and I felt even better about it after that day.  I didn't feel alone after the support from family, work friends, and friends.  One of the ladies that I worked with at the time had also had a mastectomy.  Two in fact.  She was a great person to talk to about all of it.

My time with the people that I care about helped to empower me.  I've read for years about female empowerment.  I think it's different for everyone. I would like to think that women all think the same way and that it's an automatic sisterhood,  but we are individuals.  As much as we don't like to be, we just don't all think alike.  We don't all have the same reactions to things.  We don't all have the same way of dealing with issues.  We don't all have the same definition of empowerment.  We are all wonderfully unique creatures with an amazing capacity for love and strength.  I do know that for the most part we all do like lasagna.

And that became my coping mechanism.   Humor.  I learned during the more painful times in my life that you have a choice.  You can laugh or you can cry.  You get get pissed on or you can get pissed off.  The choice is up to the individual.  I've always opted for laughter and anger.  They keep me strong.  I feel empowered when I can look at something potentially devastating and laugh.  The world can take a lot from me but not my spirit.  That's who I am.  Fly in the face of.  That's empowerment to me.

So after telling the people closest to me about my breast cancer, I became very open about it.  I joked with my family about my upcoming mastectomy. I said that I wanted my prosthetic breast to be neon purple with a yellow daisy on the end where the nipple should be.  I said that I wanted to tattoo something silly about my missing breast on the base of my neck and let the general public wonder what it was about.  Empowerment has nothing on me.

At any rate, I'd started to cope.  I still had a long wait for a very serious surgery.  My nerves were still not good, and my mood changed minute by minute.  I tried not to take it out on anyone.  I've been told that I did all right with that.  No one said that I did great.  I hope that I really did do okay.

All I can say to anyone in that position is that you have to do what you can and take it one day at a time.  Sometimes you have to take it one minute at a time.  It's not easy, but it's not impossible.  You have to find your way of handling it.  No one can tell you how to handle it and they shouldn't try.  It's just rude.  The one thing that I can say is that you have to think about it, no matter how much you don't want to.  It's the only way to start to cope.

I will continue to write this in hopes that it will help someone.

The Government Got Me Again

So, I decided to not wait to have my mastectomy.  I don't like to wait to have things solved.  It gives me too much time for my mind to overwork.  I'm the kind of person that will go nuts with too much time to think about something and too much time to get a lot of information from books, people, television and the internet.  I start to second guess myself and have horrible dreams about the outcome.  I get all worked up about pain and money and all kinds of stuff.  In this case, I made another appointment to see the doctor and schedule the surgery and just be done.  Solutions are better to me that sitting on my butt waiting.

The second visit to the surgeon was easy.  I told him what I'd opted for and he didn't have a problem with that.  I went to the office with the assistant and scheduled the surgery for the following Monday.  Now, all I had to do was stop by the office at work and let them know and start the paperwork for my leave.  Easy Peasy.  Or so I thought.

When I got to the office, I encountered the one thing that I hadn't thought of.  FMLA guidelines.  I had worked at my old job for 15 years.  I hadn't thought about that FMLA stuff for at least a decade.  Unfortunately, I had decided to switch careers less than a year before, and that meant that I didn't qualify for FMLA.  Now, my place of work assured me that they would never fire me, but there were some inconveniences associated with me taking a non FMLA leave.  I probably would not come back to my exact position.  I wasn't happy about that at all, because I had taken the job because of my exact position.  I didn't want to be moved.

The other thing that immediately became a problem was the fact the my health insurance wouldn't be at the rate that I paid as an employee.  It would revert to COBRA pricing, which was more than three times what I was paying.  Basically, it would be as though I quit and came back when I was released from doctor's care.  At that point, they would give me an available position somewhere.  In the meantime, I would have to pay a fortune for insurance and collect unemployment.  None of that was for me.  Most of that wasn't even possible.

At that point, I put everything on hold and went to talk to people that knew more about this stuff than me.  I went to talk to the navigator at the hospital.  I told her what was going on.  She knew my case, so she was well versed in what I was about to do and what I needed to do.  She told me to just talk to the doctor and see if it could safely be postponed.  I only had to wait less than two months.

After that, I got a hold of the doctor and told him my issue.  He said that the DCIS was completely contained and that I had time.  He said that even if it started to breach the ducts, that I had plenty of time.  He was not concerned at all about waiting a couple of months, and he actually felt that the security of FMLA and short term disability would give me peace of mind.  He said that going through the mastectomy was more than enough to have on my mind at one time.

With that information, I told my family and my boss that I would continue to work and wait until I qualified for FMLA and short term disability.  Some people thought that it was an unnecessary gamble, but since the doctor said that it would be all right; I decided to take the route with the peace of mind.

Now, I just had to get through the next two months of waiting around to have major surgery.  I knew that the way my mind worked would make this the longest two months of my life.  It would also put us into the next calendar year and cause me to have to meet the high deductible on my health insurance again just to have this done.  More money.  Fun.

Just a note to anyone going through this.  I waited to do this surgery.  It depends on the type of person you are as to whether or not you should pull a stunt like that.  If your mind runs away with you, don't wait.  Depending on what kind of cancer you have will help you decide whether or not to wait as well.  If you find yourself in a position where you feel as though you should wait for any reason, talk to your doctor.  Make sure that the experts are comfortable with waiting.  If not, have the surgery immediately.  Remember, most surgeons dealing with this kind of thing are going to be reluctant to out-rightly tell you what to do.  You may have to ask for their opinions.  Do it.  Get the information you need to make the best decision.

 Sometimes when we hear the word cancer we forget about everything else in our lives.  The word alone strikes such horror that it's hard to look at the big picture.  Women dealing with breast cancer tend to have many more things to consider than just cancer.  I know it's not popular these days to mention it, but family, work, marriage, finances and even time of year can make a difference.  I know that these days women are encouraged to let everyone and everything else be damned and do what they need to do, but we can't really do that.  No one can.  It's not just women who can't, but neither can the men.  It's hard, but we have to remember that there are people in our lives that care about us.  But they also depend on us.  I do not advocate doing anything stupid in order to do for others.  Just make sure that you consider everything in all of your decisions.  Do what you have to do, but remember that you are not the only one in your life going through it.  You are not alone not only means that you have people there to help out and take care of you.  It also means that you have people who are effected by what is happening to you.  Your husband will be just as scared of the word cancer as you are.  Your children or parents may take it even worse.

So, if you encounter a problem like I did, start talking to people.  Talk to everyone you can.  Get all the information that you can.  Decide what is best for you.  If you have choices, make sure that you make the choices that are best for you and those you love.  My family didn't care what I did as long as I got better.  I had their 100% support.   What I did and continue to do is tell them everything.  Information is good.  Don't leave your loved ones in the dark.  It won't help anything.

When this situation happened to me, I was scared.  Even when the surgeon had no concerns about waiting, I was scared.  If I had to do it all over again, I don't know that I would make the same choice.  The frightening thing was that I didn't realize how messed up my head was while I was waiting.  I do now.  It's a lot to think about for a long period of time.  My problems started in September and would not be resolved at all until almost February.  It's a long time to let the mind wander.  Consider that in any decisions you have to make as well.

I will continue to tell this story for anyone who wishes to read it.  I hope that helps someone. 

Round 1

I lost track of time through this period.  I don't know the exact dates that things happened for a while.  I do know what happened, so we'll stick to the what and not so much the when.  It's funny how when something like this happens, it all becomes a blur.  There are things about this time in my life that I only know by the date of service on the bills.  If it weren't for that, I would have no idea when anything happened.  The mind spends all of it's time trying to wrestle with the idea that you could die.  It's that simple.  You know deep down inside that there's a solution, but you can't help but wonder what happens if there's not.  Just getting through the day and making it through work, family, house, pets, and so forth takes up your conscious mind.  The other stuff makes it so you can't sleep or focus or enjoy your life at all. You spend a lot of time wondering if you should  laugh, cry, scream or kill something.  It's one of those times in your life where you honestly don't know how to act or what to think, or who to believe, or what to say.  The problem is that most times that you feel this way in life only last a very short time.  This time was to last for me an unnaturally long time.

I went to see the surgeon the following week.  I'd had high hopes that he wouldn't be a schmuck and I got lucky.  He was reasonable and had a great bed side manner.  He was caring and spoke in a language that we could understand.  We found out that what I had was called DCIS or stage 0 breast cancer.  It forms in the milk ducts of the breast and can stay contained inside the milk ducts for an undetermined amount of time.  Until it breaks out of the duct so to speak, it won't hurt you.

The surgeon gave us a couple of options.  He said that I could have a lumpectomy and they would take out the clusters that were biopsied and were malignant.  I could also have a total mastectomy.  If I had the mastectomy I had the option to have a reconstruction or not.  He said that the recovery was four to six weeks for the total mastectomy.  It would be longer if I had a reconstruction than if I didn't.  If I had the lumpectomy it would be a shorter recovery altogether.  He explained how the reconstruction worked and a bunch of other things that I would need to know to decide what I would like to do.  I'd seen the ultrasound of my breast and I knew that the calcifications were like snow inside the breast.  They had only biopsied a couple of clusters.  We didn't know what was up with the rest of the spots.

So, mastectomy would be an option.  The breast tissue would be removed and a lymph node, called the sentinel node would be checked to make sure there was no cancer in the lymph nodes.  There would be a scar all the way across my chest and under my armpit.  I would have to have a tube or drain coming out my side for a short period to drain liquids from the area after the surgery.  I would most likely have to get a prosthetic breast to keep my spine from curving due to the imbalance in my chest.  I thought it was kind of funny, because I don't have much of a chest anyway, but I'm told that it still makes a difference.

If I were to opt for the reconstruction it would be a few more weeks.  The breast reconstruction is a process.  They put the inserts under your chest muscle and stretch it over time.  Once the muscle is stretched to the desired position, the insert is put in and then you can recuperate and get back to life.  There's a catch.  You could get an infection.  Your body could reject it.  Now, if none of that happens, you still need to have another surgery to replace the thing every ten to twelve years.  So, extra surgery, extra hazard, extra time.  Honestly, I couldn't believe that people have breast implants just for cosmetic reasons after I heard how it works.  I knew immediately that option was not for me.

The lumpectomy sounds great, but it's perilous in situations like mine.  It's great if you only have a localized area of problem.  In my case, I was worried that I would have it done and then over time find out that the rest of the calcifications were malignant and have to go back and have more surgery.  I didn't want to do that.

Here's the thing.  I am vain, but not vain enough to have a reconstruction.  What happened inside my head was that two of my traits were in direct conflict.  I wanted to have a reconstruction at that time.  Looking back, I would have been nuts to do that.  Always look ahead.  If I'd known then what I know now, I never would have considered such a ridiculous option.  Anything that makes this process last longer just for the sake of vanity is not worth it.  I've decided that people who have breast implants for their looks are nuts.  I'm sorry, but Angelina Jolie having surgery because she might get cancer someday is nuts.  Never have surgery unless you have to.

That was my conflict.  I have had surgery before.  I vowed a long time ago never to have surgery unless I need it.  I also vowed not to take any medication that I don't absolutely need.  It didn't take long of reading about my options after that appointment before I decided that I would definitely not have reconstruction if I were to have the mastectomy.  I was actually very proud of myself for that decision.  Vanity did not win.  I felt like I had a lot of depth as a person to not opt for the reconstruction.

But, while we were still at the doctor, we wanted to get some advice.  He was very reluctant to tell us his opinion about what he thought I should do.  He covered all the information and told us that we should take a notebook and write down questions as we thought of them so that when we came back for the second visit and made decisions that we would have the questions that we wanted to ask with us.  It was a great idea, but we already had one very important question.

My husband finally asked him straight out, "If this was happening to your wife, what would you recommend?"  The doctor was a little surprised at the direct question, but he said that he would recommend the total mastectomy with a reconstruction.  With that information, we went home to make some hard decisions.  We decided that we would make an appointment after we'd had time to figure it out.

After the appointment, I did a lot of research.  My husband did some too.  We talked about it off and on for a few days.  He didn't want to tell me what to do.  I'm a stubborn, self sufficient woman who likes to make up her own mind.  My husband loves me and doesn't want to influence me in these situations, because if something goes wrong I will put him through hell.  After 18 years of marriage, he knew that well.  He's a good man, and he knows when to let me go.

After a few days, I told my husband that I thought I should get the total mastectomy with no reconstruction.  He smiled.  That was what he was hoping I would say.  Now, we just had to make arrangements and get it done.  Round 1 was done.  Decisions were made and now we had to move forward.  I called the surgeon and made another appointment so that we could get started and get it done before my mind drove me nuts with possibilities and emotions.

I felt good that vanity hadn't won out.  I was happy that I had made a solid decision and that I was doing the responsibly thing.  I thought that I had it all figured out.  I was about to start down a very long road.

As I go on with my story, remember that it includes a lot of personal challenges as well as the medical ones.  Once again, I'm telling this story that is truly unique as is any cancer story.  I wanted to put it out there hoping to help someone else cope with this situation.  I hope it helps at least one person.